Editorial: Confessions of a Neo-Hippie; H2 or Moped?

[Micronaut]

NEWLIN: Confessions of a Neo-Hippie
ARTICLE MEDIA
(Iowa State Daily)

http://www.iowastatedaily.com/media/sto ... edaily.com

ARTICLE TOOLS

(9.14.06)

This week is all about unity. In the spirit of the week, I thought I would write to you about some things I think we can all agree on.

And it's political.

Hang on, hang on - stay with me here. I know just even saying "politics" is like walking into a party with my hand shoved down my pants.

You're there with your friends, expecting fun, and then you see me stroll in and you say, "Aw, c'mon, why do you have to go and do that? We were having such a nice time."

Please stay with me. I have a very serious confession to make.

I have nobody to share my woes with. Nobody shares my pain. My troubles build inside me, alone, with no sympathetic ear to listen.

That is because of two very simple facts that keep me from two very large groups of people - I hate neo-cons and I hate hippies.

You see, I base my political associations on meaningless stereotypes and sharp judgments of outward appearances. I could care less if my assumptions are totally inaccurate.

I just don't like how either side looks, frankly. I hate both sides. And I have to keep fabulous company. That means I'm lonely.

I've been given the choice to join two groups that are just awful in their appearances. I can join the hippies' pointless, patchouli-scented drum circle, or I can chortle over cigars with neo-con CEOs about how to overthrow third-world nations and keep women down. I can look up to George W. Bush's vacuous, dumbfounded grin, or look up to Cindy Sheehan's smug, undeserved sense of accomplishment. Moped or H3. Rock 'n' roll or country. Tofu or steak.

In this great country, these are the choices I get?

Well, I'm tired of it. My hatred of hippies and neo-cons has left me searching for a better, sexier alternative than the extremes offered. People like me are tired of maniacs, with too much time on their hands, yelling at us that we're spineless for not dropping by their protest rally.

We need a third choice. That third choice will be a mutated mix of political extremes, an unholy collision of contradictory political views. It will defy the attempts of outsiders to contain it in a neat little box. It will dance like a care-free child across the political spectrum. It will be called the Neo-Hippie. It will wear business casual.

Unlike hippies, it will have a job and pay taxes. But unlike neo-cons, it will not feed on the blood of the poor. Like hippies, it will think it is cool to speak other languages. Unlike hippies, it will actually speak more than one language. Like neo-cons, it will not be afraid to be aggressive. Unlike neo-cons, it will actually do its own fighting.

If you ask it whether it wants steak or tofu, it will say, "Both." And then it will add, "And bring some chips with salsa." If you ask it whether it wants country or rock 'n' roll, it will say, "Louder." It will not prefer the H3 or a moped, but will use skydiving as its primary mode of transportation. It will not smoke cigars or marijuana, but will smoke you like a fool if you threaten it. It will not listen to an iPod like a normal hippie, but will bring back old school boom boxes and Adidas track suits.

People will ask the Neo-Hippie why it has so many contradictory views. People will wonder if the Neo-Hippie has any hardcore values. People will complain about the Neo-Hippie.

The Neo-Hippie will ignore all of this, of course. The Neo-Hippie won't waste its time trying to fit into other people's categories, but will instead perform its favorite form of protest - marathon break dancing.

Ethan Newlin is a senior in English education from Naperville, Ill.